Chapter 9

Chapter 9

06/23/2008 Monday

It seems that a weekend off from doctors, nurses and a Tomo machine is what the “Doctor” really did order! I feel better than I have the past week since I started this dance! I do still feel BLAH but on a scale of 1-5 in Blahness a 2 is today! ROFL! I actually slept till 0945 which actually screwed me up as I wanted to go down and try AGAIN with FCS and getting Medicaid and food stamps and all the other crap I “deserve” after paying in since 1970 when I got my first real paycheck! I didn’t do anything till I went for my treatment and got to meet with Dr. Helen Kim the other oncologist as Dr. Nathan was off today! After listening to me she decided that would not get my Amifostine again today! Again, after drinking enough water to float a bass boat! I now know that the ringing in my ears is from the chemo and should stop in a few more days then I get to go through it again in July! I also get to drink that Phillips Milk of Magnesia! OHHHHOOOO nasty! But if it’ll help I’ve got it to do!

And of course a ride on the bike is so calming! Until I got home that is!
In the mail box was a letter from FCS about my food stamps. I do not freaking believe this, I am UNELIGABLE for them! Hell if you make $150.00 a month no one is eligible it appears unless you speak Spanish and weren’t born in the USA! So now I get to go down and make a white middle class/aged ass of my self in a place set up for the underprivileged! WTF am I? This is going to go over like a lead balloon! I have the same feelings about some government services as my father did! I was BORN here! I WORKED almost every day of my life (except when I didn’t want to and didn’t take any unemployment checks or government help!) and now when I NEED help I can’t get it! Gimmie a break! It’s not like I can’t get my skinny ass off of the couch or stop dropping babies, or doing drugs, I just need to keep my family alive while this disease runs it course and I get back to work like a GOOD AMERICAN! I guess I’d better go armed as I just might piss off a few Mexican Americans or illegals or God only knows who now who knows how to work the system better than an American and have to protect myself!

Now that I’ve gotten my blood pressure up I’ll go take a relaxing shower and see what tomorrow brings!

06/24/2008 Tuesday

I got up and went down to the FCS in beautiful downtown Springfield Missouri. Oh what a waste of time! Way to many people and not enough time in my life so I got back on the bike and rode to Lebanon, MO. a little town about 55 miles east of here to pick up a copy of the shop manual for my Shadow. Only $15 plus the $7.26 in gas! ROFLMAO! 110 miles is now calculated in the tens of freakin dollars! Gimmie a break! Glad I kept the speed down to a manageable 80mph or it would have cost more!

I make it back home and look through my new treasure and eat a bit and I kiss Barb good bye and head to the Center.

I go through the BP and temp and talk to DR Kim and he decides that 1 more day with out the shots will be ok and then off to see Denise the oral hygienist. She looks and pokes, a little concerned about the apparent dryness of my mouth and make sure I’m doing the baking soda and salt 4 or 5 times a day and I assure that I wouldn’t miss a second of that nastiness for the world! It is nasty but knowing that my immune system will be turning into something like a 5 year olds at a day care center, has me a little on the scared side! I do not want to get sick! I wash my hands as much as possible and carry a few handy wipes in my pockets! I don’t care what anyone thinks!

I go in to wait for the machine to open up when in walks a very beautiful young lady! Oh yeah! Blonde and blue! And yes the BP went up a few points!

She goes to the desk and I’ll be darned, she a patient also!
She comes in and sits for a few minutes and talks to Beki the nurse then come over and sits with me at the jigsaw puzzle table.
BP went up a few more points then! Yep, the ol heart is pumping good now!
Any way her name is Laura, 28 and from the DC area but it took MISSOURI doctors to diagnose her with cervical cancer! Go figure! Who says they’re the best in the big cities! She’s so bubbly and sweet! I hope and pray this young lady has a wonderfully long life and someday some great guy comes along takes good care of her! Having had some surgery to remove a grapefruit sized tumor and standard radiation AND I think she’s had 2 chemo’s which she will get weekly. Being that smiley and bubbly is a pleasure! She’ll do great! She is now going to be there with me to get her Tomo Therapy! How lucky can I get! LOL

We talk till Tammy calls me back and I get my daily dose of rads and as I head out I tell Laura bye and get on the bike and head home.

06/25/2008 Wednesday

I wake up and old Mr. Tired is waiting for me. I drug ass around till time to go for treatment. I get there get my shots from Donna and this time they were in the arms and man I tell you they HURT! Itty bitty tiny needle hurt in the back of the arm! I tell Donna I hate her with a laugh and go in and wait for them to call me. My new friend Laura hasn’t shown up yet and they call me to head on back. When Tammy unsnapped me from the table I just didn’t want to move for a minute. I felt drained. She helps me up and I shuffle to my shirt and get dressed and leave looking at the bathroom as I walk by. I don’t need to go in there ….yet… and go on up to the bike and actually lay my head on my arms as I drape myself over the handle bars to rest for a minute from the 100 yard marathon I just walked!

I get home, water a couple of plants and go inside and at 5:15 I’m in hugging Johnny! And stayed on the couch for a couple of hours after that! I felt like crap! Throwing up like that should have been the by product of a “nasty girl party” back in GA! I know I gave up “drinking” years ago but still, I very seldom hurled like that! I had to be mixing everything in the bar to get that bad! I swear! Tiny little shot did me in like that! Geeze Louise I could loose my “Turtle” status for something like that! Last night I actually slept for 6 freakin hours straight and that is a record for the past 2 weeks! So I guess it was worth it ….a little!


06/26/2008 Thursday

I get back to FCS and spend several hours there and wishing I was dead! I felt like crap all day today! I mean I know it’s against the law to feel this bad and be standing up! AND I’m in a government building to boot! Get a picture of this! My Dads LHFAO looking down on me right now!

I fill out a few more forms and get a few phone umbers I need to try for more help and go home. I’m falling behind on my water intake and I really don’t care! No chit I DON”T care! I want to just give this up! My mouth is num and my ears are ringing all the time to where I want to gouge them out! I catch myself walking in a damn shuffle like an OLD FUCKING MAN! I can’t stand it! I actually walked out of the FCS office on the square and as I was walking to where the bike was I STOPPED and looked up to see how much father I had to go like you see little old 80 year old men do! I looked at my reflection in the window of the bar I was walking by and I swear I looked that freaking old! OK, Brain Dead straighten your back and put 1 foot in front of the other and WALK dumb ass!

I get on and actually make it home in 1 piece and tell Barb what went on and that NOW she has to get a doctors note saying 1) she has to find a job. Or 2) she has a medical problem that keeps her from working or 3) she has to get a doctors note saying she has to be home to take care of me!
WTF ever happened to the unity of the family when the MAN worked, the WOMAN stayed home and took care of the house and kids (and if even one of you pop up and say male chauvinist pig I’ll track you down and split your ass like a pig!)

With all of the “unemployed” out there she has to find a job? ROFLMAO! WHERE? In THIS town! Hell we’re at 5% unemployment and I don’t see these zillionaires building any factories to bring in jobs! OH, Sure in Indonesia, CHINA or Mexico but here! I’ll keep on typing when I get off of the floor from laughing my ass down to it!

Anyway That puts her in a bad mood and mine isn’t clearing up much at all and I finally kiss her by and go down to St. Johns.

I drag my tired butt in and I guess it shows when the elevator doors open and (I’ll be darned if I can think of her name behind the desk) looks at me and asks if I’m all right? I look at her and tell her if I look that bad call the ambulance! I go back and as much as I love being the center of attention from a group of wonderful women THIS isn’t how I want it! I explain what happened yesterday and then again to Dr. Kim and well no shot today but I’ll be in at 1130 tomorrow at the main entrance so they can stuff 2 liters of saline in me the easy way! GREAT another full day in the hospital! Just what the doctor ordered!
I do get to see Laura and meet her mother. Laura had another chemo today and the poor thing looked totaled! Pale and no hint of the bubbly person I met the other day. Chemo will do that, but when she smiled she was there! It will brighten up a room if you’re not careful!
I go in and get done and say bye to everyone and head home. I still have no appetite and what Barb put in front of me looked great and smelled wonderful! Snow peas and diced potatoes with dried tomatoes and a salmon cake but I got half of it down gave up and ate ice cream for the calories as my sense of taste is going really fast! Cardboard had as much flavor even though my nose was telling me different! I’ll head to bed in a few minutes after I get my FAG bag ready for a 4 or 5 hour sit in at the hospital!


06/27/2008 FRIDAY

I made it down to the hospital today and as I pulled into the slot dumb ass dropped his bike! NO CHIT! Right on the right side! I stood there looking at it like, “well, you going to stand up now or later?” I manage to get it upright and look around to see if anyone saw and of course when you pick a spot in the front you get seen and I bet security has already pulled the videos and put it on You Tube! If anyone sees it let me know and send a link so I can be COMPLETELY embarrassed and not just completely as I felt then! ROFLMAO!

I grab my bag and head to the 4th floor to the outpatient section where I get to sit for 4 hours getting a couple of bags of fluids pumped in! It helped a lot as I felt better when I went out and rode over to the Cancer Canter where Jennifer does her thing with the needles in the belly! I get zapped and head home and lay down for a couple of hours as this crap still made me feel a little unsettled with that feeling in the top of the stomach. Barb has made a big bowl of Butter beans with diced potatoes and onion and at my request a pan of corn bread, as nothing goes better with butter beans than hot, buttered, cornbread! Yum, Yum! I ate 5 or 6 bites and a whole slice of the corn bread and that’s it! DAMN! Looks like ensure again tonight! Well it is

TGIF!

And I get the weekend off! So maybe tomorrow the effects of the shots will have worn off, so I’ll try again with the beans and cornbread but man this is a pisser! I know that my mouth is starting to feel like leather and I woke up this morning feeling like I smoked a pound of pot without the high it was so dry, but this is starting to get old so damn fast! I’m not ready for this as much as I thought and it’s really depressing.

There was another guy on the 4th floor with me, a paraplegic who is about 39. A really big kid at 6’1” and confined to a wheel chair due to an aneurism in his lower abdomen! He was telling me that he was about to give it all up because he couldn’t do anything and because of the antibiotics he is getting IVed every day he had diarrhea so bad and the embarrassment he goes thru with his girlfriend because of the messes. They both woke up this morning wishing they both had a gun! I guess I have it lucky! And the sad thing is I could SEE it in his eyes as he told me! I pray that I don’t see his name in the papers I really do!

Me I know I don’t want to go through this again! I just hope this is the only time, as I know I can’t do this again! It’s not in me to drag out something like this more than once. As long as it (this cancer) took to get to this point I’ll be 73 and will have done a full life! I know Jerry will be on the road of life and Barbara should be ok by then too. My sister, I know will be with Tommy and our older brother Brad will have passed by then if he lasts as long as mom and all of her sisters! Carol will be alone from her side of the family but she has so many friends that will keep her spirits up and Carol is the strongest woman I know! She’ll throw a going away party for me and Kathy, Jeannie, Vicki, Joy and all the rest will do me out in style! I’ll be there on the wall watching! Even if they are all in wheel chairs! I just hope Tommy still has the Big Green Egg going and burns a steak in sacrifice for me!

Now who sounds so defeatist! This inconvenience in my life is getting to be a freaking inconvenience and I can’t stand it!