Chapter 22

When we think about a year or try to remember what we did in the past year we remember just a few things right off the bat and as we sit and think about the past year more things come to the front until you have the full picture of what transpired the past 365 days and nights. Or you hope you do! As for me I remember almost each day since I was driving back from New York City on I-70 just after crossing the Illinois:state> state line when the expected phone call came in at 3:30 that cloudy and cool day.It was my wife, Barbara, at the doctors’ office in my place and she wasn’t very happy after talking to Doctor Haverstick. And she shouldn’t be from the news because she gave him the phone and he told me that yes I had cancer. Type unknown but not small and I needed to get in to see a specialist as soon as possible.That day of April, 2008 my life went into a transformation that no human should ever have to go through. It was like going into slow motion but in fast forward! It’s so hard to explain but at that moment everything I did, looked at and experienced got etched into my mind from taste, smell, sound and touch. I found myself watching my wife as she did her house work, drove, sat beside me or watched television and slept beside me as I wanted to savor each moment with her and cherish what little bit of life I might have of her and the same thing with my sons! I would stare at the birds that visited my feeders, the butterflies and my flowers around the house. People watching became important to me for some insane reason and watching others in their daily lives go from one moment to another laughing or crying walking and running. Sitting in the front of restaurants in Williamstown and Manhattan, NY, looking out the windows as people went on their daily walk through life and watching as people passed me by in their cars the last few trips in the truck wondering why this was happening to me and if any of them have had such bad news given to them? It would not be until October 31st before I knew the final outcome of what lay before me, weather I would be given my life back or more treatments to stretch out what life I might have left. I knew that life would become very difficult for my family, and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop the flow of days to stop this seemingly endless stream of worries and problems that seemed to crop up on a daily basics. The pain of treatment, jokes and laughter I made happen to ease the pains and depression of not only me but Barbara, my sons and even my sister and friends. I knew that being depressed was the worse thing I could do to myself, as a bad PMA can be more destructive than the cancer I had! So I laughed and made those around me laugh and I cried when alone. Barbara caught me several times and that hurt. I cried while talking to my sister on the phone and that hurt and it hurt to laugh when the treatments got further along. But, finally October came, the radiation would stop while I was in the hospital due to extremely low white blood cell counts, but the chemo would continue for 2 more treatments, or another month! Then the 31st came and Doctor Kim is telling me that I was cancer free! No live cancer cells found in the PET scan! Now I can get my life back on track! I sat out front of St Johns Cancer Center as I couldn’t drive from the tears and I sent my sister a Text and then she calls but we couldn’t even talk as tears of joy and happiness flowed freely and it didn’t hurt! Carol and I both just sat on the phone and cried with each other and it was a happy time!I get back to work as soon as I can except for a few days off after my last chemo treatment! I’m looking forward in life as Thanksgiving comes and goes and I have a lot to be thankful for, oh so much! Jerry my son will have his dad there for more a few more years even if he is starting into those years where parents are more of a nuisance, but I’ll still be there! But maybe I should have waited before returning to work. Maybe I was still to weak from all my body had gone through the past 5 months and the worst happens December 2nd after driving all day in the snow in upstate New York, I have an accident. I fall asleep at the wheel and hit a guard rail on my side of the interstate. I manage to keep the truck off the top of the guard rail and upright. Yes, I flattened a few (four) tires and took some panels off the side of the truck but I could still drive it on down to the truck stop for new tires and to pull a fender out of the wheel well. I’m even able to drive it on back to Springfield where I was fired on the 4th,just before Christmas and with no presents under the tree! I wasn’t worried as I knew I could get another job but as the days turned into weeks and with four presents under the tree for the boys I did start to worry as no one was hiring, or at least they weren’t hiring ME and then I find out that no one is about to hire someone who fell asleep at the wheel! As if I did it on regular basics! And on purpose! Now I know why I’ve NEVER heard of a trucker falling asleep at the wheel! Every truck driver out there will lie about falling asleep at the wheel! OH, NO Officer, a four wheeler ran me off the road! But, oh no, not me! I’ve always been truthful and taken responsibly for my actions and this time being honest is really starting to hurt, as we had already used money off the credit cards to pay bills over the summer and even with friends and family sending cash while going through treatments helped I had more bills than I had money coming in and after working most of my life since I was a life guard at Sun Valley Beach when I was 16 and the Army when 17, now, I’m not getting any help from MY Government! No support of any kind till almost the end of the year when I finally got food stamps! I got unemployment in January and every day I filled out applications on line and even in offices around town when I realized that I might not get another driving job till 2010 or after a year has passed.I did receive a few (4) denial letters from companies which was actually a relief and I thank them for at least acknowledging my presence on the planet! More applications sent out and even to places where I would never have thought I would put them in or even have thought I would work at! Finally THE call came in. Would I like to come in for an interview at Wal-Mart? I didn’t HAVE to as I was getting a nice amount from unemployment but if I didn’t I was going to go crazy or Barbara was going to duct tape my butt to the wall as I was driving her slowly crazy being home as much as I had! I started work on January working on the Deli Wall where all of your lunch meats, bacon and sausages are and also working the meat section with steaks, chicken and pork! I’m keeping busy and out of her hair but Barbara was trying to pay bills with the little I was bringing in and the unemployment. With my pay check barely paying the mortgage and the unemployment and Brian, my step son giving his SIS money, paying the utilities, car and home insurance and car payment. All of the credit cards and some other things started to fall behind and we have gone to a consumer counseling center for help but they sent us to see a lawyer. The final slap in the face will be next week, 2 weeks after my 1 year anniversary of knowing I had cancer, our attorney will file Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. I’m still filling out applications but now with driving companies that even “Ripoffreport.com” And "The Truckers Report.com" says are bad! The state job site is now looking like a college only hire site as with so many people out of work here in this town they aren’t quitting even a Mickey D’s or Burger King job! There are very few jobs showing on any job site that doesn’t require either a Bachelor’s degree or experience! Oh yes there are a few for front desk and room services, some wait staff but even those can be picky with who they hire as they have enough applications to paper the whole motel or restaurant with! There are a lot of medial jobs, but that field requires a lot of training and that costs money. And walk in job shops can’t get work due to no construction jobs going due to the “depression/repression” or they now have long lists of who they know will work for nothing! And still no one will quit their jobs unless they have a better offer! If I knew how to be a nurse or do something in the medical field I’d be in the money! And while I’m talking about money. Where’s that help from Obama I heard so much about before November 2nd? HMMM? The Liberals put him in for Hope and Change but it’s not what I hear on the news as now the King is saying it’s now going to take time! So, no money for me or any of the million or so out of work, to get trained for another job! I have had a few things that help me to cope. A coworker has a sister who is now going through cancer treatments and I’ve given her hope by talking with her the trials and troubles of what she will be going through the next few months. I’m looking at learning to work with leather and making saddlebags for motorcycles and “Man Bags”! Not much to put out for supplies but a nice return IF I can sell, but that’s what bike swap meets are for! And hopefully a call will come in and I’ll get back on the road again! Or someone wants to donate a few hundred thousand dollars to me or a big part for a toothless old man in a movie! But I’m alive! Air keeps going in and air keeps going out! I’d rather be broke and alive than dead and rich! Oh yes I’m worth more to my family dead due to the insurance I have, but they still need ME more than the money and it’s not enough to pay off the debts! As long as I have a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs, I’m ok! God and I can figure out the rest!