Valentines Day is fast approaching!
Ok guys time is up! If you have NOT gotten the “love of your life for now” anything for Valentines day I hope the doghouse is clean!
If you have not seen all the TV spots about this day or the ones on the radio if anyone still listens to them over your Ipod or seen any paper advertisements such as bus wrapping, posters on bus stops, subways, on billboards in magazine that you really need to fix your way of life!
Anyway let’s get done to business!
It’s time to think about a gift that’s says “I Love YOU!” This is going to be like Christmas BUT with a way different meaning!
As I informed you all about what NOT to buy as a present for Christmas the same rules apply.
Unless she looked you in the eye
Unless all she gave hints to while talking weather on the phone, in text messages, in emails or on Skype
Or came right out and pointed at it and looked at you and smiled then that’s what she wants!
The rules are:
IF it has an electrical cord built in or the cord can be attached to this electrical device DO NOT BUY IT! UNLESS she hinted to her fullest ability and with MY experience of those not so hard to decipher hints that she wanted that particular device weather it being a hair dryer, heating pad, electrical hedge trimmers, a computer, cell phone, or lawnmower get the thing or not! You know the one you’re buying for! IF she didn’t drop those hints and you bought something that runs on electricity, head to the doghouse. Do NOT pass Go! And that’s her $200 so leave it on the table!
IF this present has an internal combustion chamber and she didn’t hint at it again NO!
If you buy her ANYTHING that pertains to makeup or what is commonly known as BEAUTY supplies and you even start to reach for it you ARE a dead man! She can be 1000 miles away and one of the super powers most of you don’t know about women is they KNOW when you are going to go into that dysfunction known as the “hold my beer and watch this” moment! That being you are going to buy something that says I think you need to wear this because you have a flaw! The dog house will NOT hide your carcass!
The same applies to clothing! Not from WalMart, Target, JC Penny or Victorias Secret and trust me when I say this if it comes from Victoria’s place that skimpy little see through piece of cloth is NOT for her, it’s for you! You know it, I know it as does every male on the planet!
Yeah you know the drill, head to the doghouse! Take that see through thing with you and use it as a mosquito net! Never buy her clothing ESPECIALLY bras or panties! You WILL ALWAYS buy the wrong size! In bras that’s a cardinal sin and will get you out UNDER the dog house that is buried 6 feet down! You sir are now in hell! If she wears a “B” and you come home with a “D” I would NOT want to be a fly on that wall! That whole house is subject to what we experienced and been there done that crowd is known as…
The RATH of Woman!
You think the Exocerest was bad when the little girls head did that 360* thing? Yeah, as I said that fly is a gonner also! The same if it’s a pair of panties! We men still will never understand the way women’s clothes are sized! We still have no idea how to read the size on that tag! As to the only rule of buying presents for women, IF she did NOT pick it up, look you in the eye and smile and you did NOT look at what she held in her loving hands you do NOT belong walking the face of the earth! You are wasting air the rest of us need to understand that wonderful creature known as Woman!
Ok to recover the “Not TOs” is something she did not hint to you and it’s something that is for her only. If it’s something that you can use them that is off the list!
Lets head to the OH HELLO YEAHs!
A trip to someplace she wants to go!
Any thing she hinted at
A new house
A detail for her car, pick up truck or motorcycle
A lifetime supply of her favorite snacks, yoga, Tai Chi classes, credit cards with unlimited space high limit or..
JEWELRY!
If it sparkles, shines and weighs a ton and is bigger than her BFFs stuff it’s a winner! If it’s 2 times bigger than her worst enemies it’s even better!
If it’s gold, silver, platinum, or titanium (ok I’m still out on that one) and is has pretty sparkly rocks on it the whole present is measured in points or carats them you are doing GREAT!
The bigger the stone mounted in that band of precious metal, that dangles off a chain made of any of those metals or wraps around any body part and sparkles you have done well!
The doghouse is now a bad dream and her gratitude can lead to headaches due to loss of blood to the head! A full stomach from all the wonderments from her kitchen and the pride you see in her eyes when she slips up and waves this large carat diamond or stone or precious metal piece of endearment in her BFFs face!
Do we all understand what not to buy the woman of your life?
If it plugs into a wall socket
If it runs off fossil fuels and pertains to beauty, shop work, lawn care, or can transport them,
Clothing of any kind.
Go find the doghouse! It’s still chilly so take a few blankets because that’s ALL the warmth you’ll feel until her head stops spinning and everything she looks at stops bursting into flame!
If she hinted that this is what she wants, get it! NO Matter what! The cost does not factor into this at all!
Have a great Valentines Day!
George
aka
Still alive after all these holidays!
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