Chapter 27 It might end someday

Chapter 27
It might end someday


I got a call today for my Neuro surgeon that had an unexpected surprise.

It turns out that the “radiation necrosis tumor” that was removed on 22 Feb.2010 was a little more than that. It also had what was called Metastatic Cancer in it.

Apparently back in 2008 there was this one little cell that broke loose during my treatments. As you might recall if you have read my never ending journal that when we started this journey I had tumors behind both eyes, cancer in my lymph nodes on my neck, cancer in the top of my throat and in my right lung.

Well the Tomo Therapy computer picked up on this little breakaway when it landed in my brain and did what cancer does and started to grow. As the Tomo Therapy computers caught this new invader it targeted it and killed it but as can happen with extensive radiation to the brain it caused a radiation necrosis tumor to appear and grow later which became my last real problem resulting in the brain surgery.

Because my recovery hasn’t gone the way I thought it should like me doing back flips off the couch or other silly things a call to the doctor last week brought this up from the records and was told to me today.

Now I have an appointment with him on Wed to plan out some soon to happen new tests. OH great! Not what I need to or want to hear!

I do know that if this other thing I had removed last week the “Squamous Papilloma” comes back it could be cancerous and you guessed it chemo treatments will be called for but done with a needle and locally to the growth if it decides to return!

So in my need to know I now know more that I wanted to! I just want my life back but that Beast Cancer apparently wants another rematch! It’s tried several diversionary tactics that my team at St. Johns keeps winning but it just does not want to let loose of me! I must have really made it mad when I quit smoking so easily in Feb of 07!

I keep trying to have my usual PMA and my humor but as hard as I try I’m being surrounded by this dark despair that is hacking at my resolve, my dreams and my life. Prayer helps but as soon as the prayer leaves my lips it attacks me again and keeps pushing me towards this deep dark hole I thought I had just crawled out of. It’s affecting me in ways I never believed were possible in writing short sentences that offend friends to when I think my mind is starting to get in gear I hit a pothole and throw everything into neutral. I was so into a story line this weekend and then it was gone. Just poof and I’m sitting here with this hang dog look on my face.

And it’s not just the thinking but the walking too. I can walk but not for long as I found out today when Barbara and I went to WalMart. I made it inside but wound up sitting in Subway while Barb did what she needed to do. I haven’t planted a single flower nor have I worked in my flower beds this year either.

Moving about seems to get harder everyday. I took a walk Saturday but I was tired and dizzy when I got back and now looking up while I sit here looking at a picture on the wall pressure builds up in my brain and that’s not something that should be happening. I want to watch a bird fly across my back yard but can’t because I feel like I’m going to pass out from the experience. Riding in the car is a vertigo experience I’d rather not have. It’s like being trapped in an LSD trip that won’t end.

I was hoping that my life had been handed back to me but it’s not the life I want! I want MY LIFE BACK! Not “A” life but my life! I want what I had before this nightmare began but it’s not happening as I thought the script should read.

Not only do I feel like a Frankenstein project I’m looking like one too because the bone that they removed is sinking and creating a ridge along my temple. Looks so Goth! Not to mention starting to hurt a tad more.

If God has a plan, he’s not cueing me in to what it is. I know he wants me to be a friend and to help those in need, but I think I’m missing a point here as I need something too. I need to live a life where I can help my wife and be a father to my youngest son who is drifting away from me as I’m not the man I used to be and he’s as scared as his brother as to the future. I was hoping to have a long future but it’s getting hard to fight this as worry has set in again and worry takes the life you need for tomorrow away from you today. This battle I’m fighting is becoming like a loosing battle if I can’t get a grip on the battle plans.

Please God, I’ve never asked for anything for me but now I ask for one thing. I just want my life back.